This moment is not a good one.
Today was a good day but right now I really just want to close my eyes and not open them again. I would like to just cease being here in this state.
I would not even care if a big deal was made out of my ‘ceasing’.
I just don’t want to be here, like this, anymore. Please.
I just walked home from the pub by myself; a stupid move that I have only myself to blame for, but it was still frightening. The men on the Ox corner are all drunk and they leer and are clumped in groups that gives them this ugly sense of power that terrifies me. They don’t know I am scared, because I don’t act like I am scared. I pretend like I can’t hear them whistling or asking me where I am going or if I will stop and talk. I pretend like I can’t hear them calling me “darlin” or “gorgeous”.
I don’t want to be called darlin or gorgeous by a bunch of disgusting, drunk, unshaven men who really should be spending their time in bed next to their wife/defacto partner/wall. I want to be called darling and gorgeous by someone who actually thinks those things about me.
I’m sick of feeling like everything inside of me is worthless. I feel like a disease is spreading. Some sort of poison got inside me and now it won’t leave; it’s just devouring my insides. People say I am quite good at holding things together, but there’s not a lot to hold together, really. I feel like a shell. Even Headspace doesn’t have room! Totally booked. What if I actually am a headcase and something terrible happens? How will they feel knowing they told me they didn’t have time? Probably no different to how anyone else feels.
I have to stop surfing this downward spiral. It’s toxic. I want off now, please.