Today was a better day.
It upsets me a lot that I currently measure the success of my days based on how many times I nearly broke down; but on the positive side there were only about four of those today – and most I was able to conceal quite well.
My mum came to visit, which was really nice and so what I needed. You know how there are those moments in life where you find yourself in a total state of catatonic disrepair and the one person who you just want to cry to is your Mum?
Well yes, I needed her so I was really nice that she came. She brought a bunch of my stuff from home as well – including my dresses and shoes so tonight when a bunch of us went out for birthday drinks for one of the girls in my year, I was finally able to wear something that made me feel like a normal human again. A normal girl, anyway.
Maybe I should look at it in terms of all the things I DID accomplish today rather than looking at all the things that I DIDN’T do or that didn’t make me feel better.
I went for a run.
I did some more of my painting.
I went to a meeting and took notes.
I sent emails.
I dressed myself nicely and went out with my friends.
Fuck. How old am I? These are things that my five year old sister can do. Without having to write herself a pat-on-the-back blog entry to commemorate it.
I will get better. Like I said to my Mum, I am not the best version of myself right now. And that’s okay, because it doesn’t mean I am broken. I am just not fully functioning. But I will fully function again, because I know that there is a better version of me in here (somewhere).
I guess now the significant task is just relocating it.
Why am I so self indulgent? Things could be so much worse. So. So. Much worse. Grow up, Madee. You will be fine.