I would love to have one of those beautiful flash forward moments and I would love to tell you (whoever you are, reading this) that I am fine, fully recovered and so, so happy.
But that would be a lie.
I am much better however, you should know this. You should know that I have been sleeping more regularly, taking vitamins, going for walks/runs/bike-rides and teaching myself new songs on the guitar. You should know that since last time we spoke, there have been relapses and moments that I have found myself in where I have felt out of control and lost. Moments where I have thought to myself, “You’re not a dumb girl. Why are you acting like it?” You should know that there are so many of these moments but there have also been so many moments that have urged me onward and upwards.
You should know that I am severely disappointed in so many things; myself being one them.
I am disappointed that it took me so long to realise that going back to someone in the wrong way who does not fully appreciate me is damaging to both that friendship and my own mental health. (Yes, there has been numerous occasions where that word ‘mental’ seems to be my main pal!) I am disappointed that I do things that I once would have laughed at because I was much stronger then. Actually maybe that’s not true… there’s another part of me that would like to think that I am stronger now having gone through these things and being able to learn. Isn’t it funny in life how most of our big learning curves happen in retrospect? And often, all you can think is, Imagine how many tears and how much time would have been spared if I had just learnt that lesson a little quicker.
That said, it’s not the intention of God or the Universe that we learn things within safe, convenient time parameters. How ever would we remember the lessons if they didn’t leave such big scars?
So on that dramatic and somewhat heavy note, I will now move onto better things. Things/ideas/views that have only arisen in me because of the shitty start to this year.
I have decided that, instead of focusing my energy on all the things I don’t have the answers to and all the things that confuse me, I will instead look at what I know – because what I know is like a nice security blanket that you know no one can rip off you or out from underneath you. I know I have beautiful friends. I know that I am a good friend and a good person. I know that when the chips are down and I feel like a waste of matter on this planet, I can lock myself in my bedroom with a guitar and play until I remember that it’s important that I am here because I am bring the world (even if it is only my bedroom and the occasional passerby as they walk their dog) some music. I know that I can paint my way through any situation and that I will be able to look back at a painting that was started on a day where nothing felt good and be able to see the end product; I made it. I kept going. And this is my medal and my proof. I know that when I run up hill, it’s always the crest that makes my chest feel like it’s bleeding and about to cave in – but I know that if I keep going and push past that highest point of the hill that it goes back down again on the other side, and then running becomes beautiful and free and easy. I know that when I look at Phoebe on the swings, fully aware that her only care in the world is how high she can go and how loud she can squeal that THAT is real freedom and happiness. There is nothing stopping me from getting on a swing and doing the exact same thing until the laughter feels real and I can throw my head back like a kid who doesn’t give a shit if anyone is looking at her.
I am so sad that you are moving to Melbourne, but I am so happy as well. I am happy because you’re making your dreams come true and you’re starting a new chapter of your story. My friend Olivia says that when things get rough she likes to imagine that someone is reading her story, and she is the protagonist that the reader has grown to love. Even when things get rough, she reminds herself that the story isn’t over yet and that the reader is still reading so she has to let the pages keep turning and the chapters keep rolling. It was a beautiful sentiment, and I thought you too would appreciate it.
I am super confident that your next chapter will be amazing, and your reader is so excited so see what happens to the main character next!